It is in the patterns...

How was your new year's celebration? It is 2025. How has it been already new year? 

I guess when I look back at my 2024, it was a year of struggle. 

i struggled financially, (like it was hard to get through to the next payday); 

struggled with health, my annual healthcheck showed i had some heart issue and was told to decrease fat and salt in my diet;

this led to unstable mental health for having to balance everything and still be sane, and also relationships because who is not?; 

and it was this year we enrolled Klay, my second child to an occupational therapy clinic after diagnosed with autism;

My mom also had to leave for UK. And i felt alone.. again. 

i thought i had to lean in to people, to be whole, to go through what i had to. i was in dire need for actual human connection, to be understood, to be seen and heard, but little did i know that in doing so, i also had to understand, i also had to give part of myself, and in the process, actually lost myself. 

it was a journey to actually go back to myself and realize who i am truly, my values and what is important.

it was a hard and long journey. i realized we may connect with others but it doesn't mean we have the same life or the same values. we may just connect because of our struggles but it doesn't necessarily solve those struggles. we go back to the same circles, and it may just become a repeated cycle all over again. 

For me, it is in the patterns. The moment, we realize our habits, our daily grind, the way we react to things, our mindset, has become this pattern of stagnancy and just words without action, there is no resolution.

I realized we have to (at least i did), have to notice that so that i can realize what is best for myself and my mental health. What is my end goal, what do i want out of life? my career? my family life? i have to really dig deep because honestly, i just want to be happy. 

sometimes, i wonder is happiness really that hard? but maybe i have been hard on myself after all. i have set my standards way up high for happiness. i guess i am wired to be like this. i want the good stuff, but in order to do that, i have to be meticulous and very specific of what i want. 

God is in the patterns. 

I think that God is always sending us messages in our patterns, other people's patterns, either to correct or to enhance because ultimately He wants us to always be the best version of ourselves and be happy. 

Speaking of being happy, little pockets of sunshine include flowers, yes just give me flowers then I'm good. i thought i din't want that before, but now i do, to stop and smell the roses. for mental health, it is important to stop and smell some flowers. 

also, give yourself the permission to do what you love and what you want. it doesn't have to be lavish. for me, early mornings with my coffee and seeing the sunrise, is the best. also, a little bit of yoga or pilates is cherry on top. they are good for the heart. 

i guess, changing patterns is not bad, it is hard, but not bad. it takes really digging deep with your intention. what do you want? because whether it is new year or not, if we don't take the first step to the life we want, we will never feel satisfied or happy. 

i learned this from one of my mentors online, the worst feeling is not the vacation you did not take, or the random things you want to purchase but the goals you did not achieve. at the end of the day, did i do the thing i really really wanted to do? 

and for me goals are something that are life changing. habits or way of life that you want changed or improved or self improvement. this is so crucial because the moment you change your life, you are changing the lives of other people around you, aka my family and even workplace environment and your community. 

for me, i don't want to limit myself to short term goals, although my finances are my number one priority this year, like living below my means and saying no to unnecessary expenses. i guess going back to basics? 

and only people that can help me feel good, not add to my struggle. 

but i want to change mindset for long term goals, i guess for long term happiness. i want to feel good and accomplished all the time, forever. 

and there will always be sacrifices, but if this is what it takes for my sanity, then it is worth it. 

so, do you have any patterns you are breaking this year? or for the years to come?