It's called growing up...

We were doing great, she was just fresh from another country and came back to the Philippines with so much hope and joy. I was in for that thrill because I always liked her company, the most creative person I knew. she would always have great ideas, out of this world concepts and she usually made it happen. 

i on the other hand, only had a linear mind. i don't think i could take on creative projects (i could try..maybe?) for me, what i do for self expression is to write, clean the house and sing and dance when no one is watching. That's all really, but my friend really had a good skill set especially graphic design and film making. It's not that i am jealous, i am actually proud that i have a friend like that, someone i am always inspired from. 

but months or maybe a year after she came and we did a number of projects, and she disappeared, not a single word. i guess she is still here in the country, i did not hear anybody say from our circle that she left but not a single word. i wondered what i did wrong. i tried to message her but all i got was a seen mode, no reaction whatsoever. you know when you send a message and then unsend it? that was me.

i thought space would do it. they say give someone space, until i realized that space became bigger and bigger by the day, by the weeks and by the months. i was so confused and a little crazy, i guess i cared so much because it actually hurt me, not because she did not say anything but because i ruined what i thought was a great friendship. we were friends since college, 17 years ago. 

i have deep friends, i realized. 

deep people usually just leave, they don't say a word. i mean it could be rude, but leaving someone takes a lot of thought. i don't think leaving someone would just be a decision that you make out of nowhere, there has to be a deeper reason and a decision need to be made. 

i remember watching this Chinese film over Netflix where this couple loved each other so much but they were poor, they survived poverty together through thick and thin..and then there came a point where they got tired, they needed to be apart, not because they did not love each other but that they needed to grow. and when they met 10 years later after being apart, they were both successful in their own paths. 

it was erring because they still loved each other, how even without words, love still lingers. the way they look at each other, etc. all those struggles and all the love combined were reflected in their eyes, only they did not end up together because they chose a different life for themselves. in the end, the guy had a family and the girl was still single. 

it's funny how growth or trying to grow would leave you to decide on a certain path. 

in the end, i was left to myself, to mend my own heart. 

i don't know what to expect really, i guess it is better this way. i guess i have to grow without her, to find my own light and path without her. to be me, i guess the new me. 

i mean i feel like i am still the same, but now i know my own worth. that a lost loved one, or a friend for this matter is not the end of me. that i am still capable of finding new friends who have the same wave length as me, not necessarily creatives, but i do admire them, but people who are trying to find their path and living their purpose. 

i guess a good laugh is necessary when you are with your friends, someone who is not afraid of me but respects my boundaries. someone who can allow me to be me and still respect the many versions of me, because i change quite frequently. the list could go on...

i needed it too, growth. i guess it's just hard to let go. the worst part is facing the reality of being on your own and being alone, to leave those years behind as if they were golden. but really, what are those years? i realize now that memories are there for a reason but everyday is an opportunity to chose your present moment and your future. 

the past is there to remind yourself of what had been, but it doesn't mean we should live there.